Assassin's Apprentice
A Book That May Have Escaped From Another Book
The novel opens with a perfectly ordinary paragraph that immediately becomes suspicious. By the second sentence the paragraph admits it has been pretending to be literature for several years and would rather pursue a career in landscaping.
The narrator tries to intervene but becomes entangled in a lengthy discussion with a rug about maritime law. From this point forward the narrative adopts the confident energy of someone assembling furniture without instructions.
It is unclear who is in charge.
Plot, Allegedly Under Supervision
The story loosely concerns an inventor attempting to build a machine that organizes dreams alphabetically. This ambitious plan encounters numerous complications:
- a lighthouse that only illuminates philosophical dilemmas
- a committee of extremely opinionated pigeons
- a bakery that refuses to bake anything round
- an escalator that leads directly into mild confusion
At one point the machine briefly sorts several dreams about soup before requesting a lunch break.
Participants In The Situation
The characters behave with admirable commitment, despite having no clear idea what is happening.
- Professor Alden Brackett – The inventor. Believes strongly that dreams should be filed between “Doughnuts” and “Doorbells”.
- Marta Quill – A journalist documenting the machine, though her notebook occasionally edits itself.
- Mr. Plink – Claims to represent the Department of Abstract Machinery.
- A Cat Wearing A Waistcoat – Has several opinions about municipal zoning but refuses interviews.
Their development occurs mostly during moments when gravity is distracted.
Topics The Book Mentions Briefly
The novel appears to gesture toward several large themes:
- the administrative challenges of sorting imagination
- the emotional wellbeing of underappreciated staircases
- whether clouds should require permits
- the geopolitical implications of marmalade
A marginal note insists the story is secretly about patience, but the margin later retracts the statement.
Favourite Passage
The hallway paused thoughtfully, folded its arms, and asked the ceiling if Tuesdays were legally binding.
This exchange lasts approximately two sentences and slightly alters the posture of the room.
Final Thoughts
The ending arrives in a polite envelope marked “possibly final.” Several characters dispute the conclusion while the dream machine quietly alphabetizes a thunderstorm.
Readers may enjoy this book if they appreciate:
- plotlines wandering like curious goats
- conversations with architectural features
- administrative paperwork for imaginary objects
- a subplot involving a deeply skeptical spoon
Overall rating: 8 out of 10 mildly perplexed lanterns.